i am bankrupt without love

i just wanted to take a moment and note the things that God is doing with me right now, not really for the benefit of others, but for myself. i like to see things written out, so as to be able to organize and process them better [[i am a nerd...]]

::God is teaching me love.
while i always love to think that i know what love is because i am surrounded by so much of it, God is teaching me that there is more to true love than i like to sometimes admit. i was recently inspired by a friend to begin examining the words of 1 Corinthians 13, the well know "love chapter". while i have read this chapter a couple hundred times in my life, i have never really taken the time to examine it in depth. not only have i not examined it, i have never taken the initiative to put it in to practice. so, i am starting with each of the individual elements of love (if you don't know the elements, look it up), the first of which is patience. needless to say, patience is not an area i am strong in, but i know that God can teach me patience, by giving me opportunities to be patient with others, with myself, and with Him. hopefully by learning this, i will be able to show love to others in a way that i haven't been able to before.

::God is teaching me to depend on Him.
this is happening in two ways:
1. i am learning, through being thrown in to situations i cannot control, that if i let go and trust God, things will work themselves out. i am by nature a control freak, so handing over the reigns does not come naturally to me. not being in control (or rather believing that i am in control) of even the smallest elements of my life causes me to feel insecure. God is teaching me trust by physically taking the control away from me and forcing me to rely on Him to handle my life. i am slowly learning to let go, and let God do His will instead of fighting Him every step of the way by imposing my deadlines, my rules, and my plans. this also coincides with learning how to allow myself to be used by God, a large part of which has to do with letting God takes you where He wants you to go and use you however He sees fit. it's a work in progress...

2. i am learning to depend on the Holy Spirit for emotional fulfillment instead of looking to outside sources to do what only God can do for me. i am currently in a study that focuses on being an emotionally healthy individual, and having an emotionally healthy marriage, and the whole process starts with being wholly emotionally dependent upon God for things that only He can provide, such as joy and peace. when i look at my life, i find that i look to the people in my life (husband, family, friends...) to really fulfill me in terms of love and joy and whatnot. since i started this study i have come to realize that it is completely impossible for other sinful human beings to fulfill needs that were originally intended to be fulfilled by God alone. God is perfection, and therefore only God can provide love, security, acceptance, ect. in such a way as to fill those emotional needs. if i don't look to God for those things, and let Him provide for me in those areas, i will never be emotionally fulfilled, because people just can't be Jesus.

anyway, those are the things that are happening as of this moment. i am such a huge work in progress, but the fact that God is working on me and teaching me these things is reassuring. prayers are, as always, appreciated.

much love.