i am bankrupt without love

i just wanted to take a moment and note the things that God is doing with me right now, not really for the benefit of others, but for myself. i like to see things written out, so as to be able to organize and process them better [[i am a nerd...]]

::God is teaching me love.
while i always love to think that i know what love is because i am surrounded by so much of it, God is teaching me that there is more to true love than i like to sometimes admit. i was recently inspired by a friend to begin examining the words of 1 Corinthians 13, the well know "love chapter". while i have read this chapter a couple hundred times in my life, i have never really taken the time to examine it in depth. not only have i not examined it, i have never taken the initiative to put it in to practice. so, i am starting with each of the individual elements of love (if you don't know the elements, look it up), the first of which is patience. needless to say, patience is not an area i am strong in, but i know that God can teach me patience, by giving me opportunities to be patient with others, with myself, and with Him. hopefully by learning this, i will be able to show love to others in a way that i haven't been able to before.

::God is teaching me to depend on Him.
this is happening in two ways:
1. i am learning, through being thrown in to situations i cannot control, that if i let go and trust God, things will work themselves out. i am by nature a control freak, so handing over the reigns does not come naturally to me. not being in control (or rather believing that i am in control) of even the smallest elements of my life causes me to feel insecure. God is teaching me trust by physically taking the control away from me and forcing me to rely on Him to handle my life. i am slowly learning to let go, and let God do His will instead of fighting Him every step of the way by imposing my deadlines, my rules, and my plans. this also coincides with learning how to allow myself to be used by God, a large part of which has to do with letting God takes you where He wants you to go and use you however He sees fit. it's a work in progress...

2. i am learning to depend on the Holy Spirit for emotional fulfillment instead of looking to outside sources to do what only God can do for me. i am currently in a study that focuses on being an emotionally healthy individual, and having an emotionally healthy marriage, and the whole process starts with being wholly emotionally dependent upon God for things that only He can provide, such as joy and peace. when i look at my life, i find that i look to the people in my life (husband, family, friends...) to really fulfill me in terms of love and joy and whatnot. since i started this study i have come to realize that it is completely impossible for other sinful human beings to fulfill needs that were originally intended to be fulfilled by God alone. God is perfection, and therefore only God can provide love, security, acceptance, ect. in such a way as to fill those emotional needs. if i don't look to God for those things, and let Him provide for me in those areas, i will never be emotionally fulfilled, because people just can't be Jesus.

anyway, those are the things that are happening as of this moment. i am such a huge work in progress, but the fact that God is working on me and teaching me these things is reassuring. prayers are, as always, appreciated.

much love.

caution: you are currently experiencing catharsis

well, you might not be, but i sure am.

also:









this is what doing homework looks like:

sic transit gloria

have i mentioned how amazing it is to walk around a college campus full of homeless people?
just wondering.

um, i don't know how many more blogs are going to get posted today, but i'm blaming it on the 40+ ounces of coffee i have consumed this afternoon.

question:

is it inappropriate to have a love affair with a mountain? because i'm pretty sure i have one with Mt. Rainier. i have now lived here for almost 9 months, and i still have not gotten over how AMAZING it really is. it completely brightens my whole day. i know most people who live here get over it, but i hope i never do. thank God for the pacific northwest.

has anyone ever seen the movie "Dangerous Liaisons"? if so, i'm really sorry. if not, lets try to keep it that way. although, i do have to admit that it officially forced me to see John Malkovich as being pretty hot, something my husband has been trying to convince me of for quite some time.


can someone explain to me why people drink hot beverages with a straw? i'm still working on figuring that one out. and don't tell me it is better for your lipstick or i will have to strangle you.

coming back to movies, why haven't you seen "Slumdog Millionaire" yet? go out right now and see it. and you are forbidden from eating, drinking, or getting up to pee during the movie, because it is far too good of a movie to be ruined with such interuptions. literally, i smile just thinking about it. best. movie. ever.


why do people say that these things get easier with time? if anything, they get harder with time. so much harder. [desperately fighting the urge to "thats what she said"] but honestly, this is one of the worst times in my life thus far. i have no problem admitting that, nor do i have a problem admitting that i have really bad days occassionally as of late. i wish i had the strength of Thoreau and could find solace in solitude. but i unfortunately crave face time, especially with my husband. damn my dependence on humans.

why do people think it rains here all the time? it doesn't. stop being morons.

why do we move so fast? why do we consider the time it takes to smell a rose to be long enough to constitute slowing down? i love how falsely philosophical college makes me feel.

something about "Home Life" by John Mayer, and "Raining in Baltimore" by Counting Crows comes to mind right now. oh wait, now i have broken my trend of questions. crap.

random notes:

i have a cat who likes to play fetch, and a cat who has a jealousy problem with my laptop.

fernando, my big black baby, loves any toy that looks like a stick. recently he has begun running out to get one of his stick toys, and bringing it to me. i will pick it up, twirl it around in front of his face, and then throw it across the room. he then darts off after it, and brings it right back to me! who needs a dog when you have a cat who can play fetch?

laney, my little torbie, is in constant competition with my laptop. whenever i take my laptop out to use it, she runs across the room and leaps up on the couch, lays down, and scoots herself over until her body is covering my keyboard. then she just lays there, looking up at me with her big eyes, waiting for love.

on another subject: Swingtown. probably the strangest show i have ever seen. more on that later...

poor mr. paul.

superpoop.com

if you know anything about the Ron Paul campaign, this will make sense. otherwise, disregard.
also: i am still voting for Ron Paul.

someday...

after we have finished all the moving around the army wants us to do, i hope we can settle back down somewhere around this area.

someday i might not have the perfect house, but i will have the perfect bathroom with the perfect two-person over-flowing tub.



someday i will have a job that i love. a job that i adore not because it is easy or because it pays well, but because it is what i am meant to do. i will get the chance to impact and shape the lives of hundreds of young lives with every new day.

someday i will be able to drive down i-5 with my starbucks and my amazing music on a perfect day, and feel like i fit in with all the other BMW owners that live around here.



someday i will have the chance to bring new lives in to the world. i will get to experience every joy that there is in parenting, in being a mom. i will get to see my babies grow up.

someday i will take one day a week and spend it at the market, buying produce, people watching, and having the perfect cup of coffee with my favorite man. it will likely be raining, which makes it all that much more perfect.



but for now, i am content with today. with my cozy apartment, with my solitude, my daily tea. i am happy just to see the green landscape, the Sound, the mountain. i am happy for the rain that [almost] every day brings, and the occasional sun. i am blessed to have the abundance that God has given me already, and for that i am always thankful.

nature and the gospel

“God writes the Gospel not in the Bible alone, but also on trees, and in the flowers and clouds and stars.”- Martin Luther

i love love love this quote.
nature is my favorite way to experience God in my daily life.

striving for perfection is demoralizing

"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe

do you ever feel like you are trying to erase your faults, as though you are the only one that has them?
today I feel like my faults are outstanding, which is why i fall back on this quote, not because it discusses being accepted for your true self, but because it deals with the recognition of faults within yourself. i think that while the people i care about are so good at accepting me, good and bad together, i am not at a point in my life where i have learned to accept myself as i am, which is imperfect.

all of those things that Marilyn used to describe herself are things that i would use to describe myself. i am selfish. i am impatient. i am completely insecure. i make more mistakes than i can count. i lose control of myself mentally, spiritually, and, most of all, emotionally. i realize that i am hard to handle.
i guess what i need to realize is that so is everyone else.
while not everyone is all of those things, most people are at least one of them, and other people have faults that are different than those listed.

while i feel like i need to be better and overcome my faults, they are part of who i am at this moment in my life. everyone is flawed, and that is what makes life really interesting, because perfection is boring and overrated. while i can't say that starting at this moment i am going to be okay with everything that i am, i will say that i am working on coming to grips with the priceless value of imperfection.

(also: i am in complete agreement with the end of the quote as well. if people aren't willing to take you at face value on your worst day, then they really are not worthy of being graced with your presence on your best day. preach it Marilyn)

*brain explodes*

as an addition to my previous post, visit mystarbucksidea.com!

the site is AMAZING and overflowing with awesome ideas, ideas that the company IS REVIEWING and IMPLEMENTING. for example, the wireless internet at Starbucks is currently provided by T-Mobile, and you have to pay to use it. people want free internet to use when they are enjoying their lovely beverage, and they have said so. people have voted on it, AND SO THE COMPANY IS DOING IT. and not next year, but now, within the next couple months. to me, that is an amazing response to the customer that you can't find everywhere.

on the site you can see different ideas that are being presented, by category of topic, popularity, or other search categories. any topics that say "**UNDER REVIEW**" in the subject line are currently being considered by the company. any topics that say "**COMING SOON**" are ideas that are in the process of being implemented. and there are TONS of ideas that are being considered.

please excuse my enthusiasm. it is just really exciting for me to see a company i love bounce back so resiliently and really excite their customers. its freakin' awesome!

the end.

starbucks! to the max!

my dear friends,

today was a good day for my good friend, Starbucks.
today, Starbucks released their new Pike Place Roast coffee to all of their stores, returned to having the original logo on all of their cups, and, once again, began scooping and grinding beans in the store.
they are going back to their roots, focusing on their brewed coffee and making sure their coffee truly is the best available.

kathleen and i were able to go in today and take part in the experience. it is truly nostalgic to see how far they have come, from their first little store at the Market to where they are now, and it is good to see them getting back to the basics and really giving their customers (or me, at least) what they want, which is the best coffee.

i have been buying the Pike Place Special Reserve at the Pike Place Market location for a few years now, and assumed that this release was simply an expansion of that blend throughout all locations. after further analysis (and taste testing), the Pike Pike Roast is definitely not the same as the Special Reserve. It is a completely new blend that should please anyone with a love of the drink. the PPR is smoother, with a blend of more interesting flavors, while the Special Reserve is bolder. the Special Reserve is also a region-specific blend, using beans from the Latin American region, while the PPR is a multi-region blend. both are superb blends with excellent flavor, so i encourage anyone who is interested and has the accessibility to try both.

one of my favorite things about this new blend is that they are always going to have it brewing in the store and they are always going to have a fresh pot brewing every thirty minutes, meaning you never have to have a stale cup of coffee.

along with this release, starbucks is instituting new customer loyalty programs, new machines, and new conservation efforts. for more information on all the upcoming innovations, here are some resources you can check out:
Starbucks Website (of course)

Starbucks will 'fight to the death,' Schultz says: Seattle PI Article

Clover coffee machines catch Starbucks' fancy: Seattle PI Article

Starbucks plans to unveil new blend Tuesday: Seattle PI Article

also, if you are interested in the transformation of the Starbucks logo, take a look at this website, called Brand Autopsy
the site does a great overview of the life of the Starbucks logo from its beginning to the present day.

if you have the opportunity, go in and try the new blend, pick some up to take home, and check out the "new" cups. as they say (or as my cardboard sleeve says), "Roasting coffee since 1971. The best coffee then. The best coffee now." enjoy!

it takes all i am to believe in the mercy that covers me

this song has been one of my favorite songs for as long as i can remember, so i just wanted to share it.
it is basically a perfect depiction of my daily spiritual struggles, which i am so thankful for, despite the difficulty, because they are always bringing me back to Him.
also: happy easter. He is risen :)

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart


I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remain"
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remains"
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

worlds apart: jars of clay


----------------
Listening to: Jars of Clay - Worlds Apart
via FoxyTunes

if i had one wish

if i had only one wish in the world that i could use to my own personal benefit, i would want to be understood.
i like to be heard, and i love to be listened to, but it seems that what i really need is to be understood. i feel like i talk and talk and talk, and people listen to what i am saying, but i don't think they understand the me in what i am saying.
i want to be able to express a feeling, emotion, need, or want, and have the person i am talking to experience exactly what that it feels like to be me, what it feels like to have that emotion, or to desperately want or need something. i want to be able to share something with someone and not have to try to explain myself in words that could never do justice to the feelings i am experiencing. i want them to just know. i want them to feel it in their core, with the same intensity that i am feeling it in my being.
i guess what i am saying is that i don't want to be understood only in a mental sense, but instead i want to be understood vicariously.
part of me feels silly writing this because i know it will mostly fall on minds, minds who are "listening" and nodding in agreement with what they are reading because somewhere in their brains they have some knowledge of how i am feeling. but part of me hopes, sincerely hopes, that this will be understood by someone, someone who wants to be understood just as badly as i do, someone who is experiencing what they are reading. if that is you, thank you. this was for you.

----------------
Listening to: John Mayer - Covered in Rain
via FoxyTunes

rightfully so, rightfully so...

this is my bff, john mayer. in case you were unaware, he is completely amazing. also: look at this
also: notice that my other bff, john krasinski is also there. whoot for bffs.

important things for you to know about me

i am starting to realize that people don't really "get" me.
and even if they do, it is only partially.
so, "get" this:

>i am not one to be taken advantage of or walked on. when people dont take my interests, circumstance, or feelings in to account, i shut down and push away. i don't need it. i have put up with it enough in my lifetime thus far, and if i am a friend to you, i deserve better.

>i am not a standby friend. i wont wait for you to make time for me. i wont wait for you to finally realize that you have got yourself in a bad situation or have lost any other friends you might have had before you come running back. i wont be made a fool of.

>i dont get angry very easily. i am extremely passionate and i love to argue, raise my voice, and drive my point, but rarely does that mean that i am fighting or that i feel upset.

>when i get angry, i shut down. i rarely yell, i rarely argue. i hide out, shut everyone out, and cry.

>i am eternally dedicated to people i care about. i love my friends, i love my family. there is nothing i would not do for them if they needed me.

>on the other hand, i have found it necessary to take care of myself. if i am being emotionally trampled on by someone who i care about, i have to remove myself from them in order to care for my person.

>i am addicted to my responsibilities. i work, i go to school, i help to manage a household, and i am soon to be married. i have worked hard to get to where i am and i wont jeopardize those things by screwing around and living like it doesnt matter.

>i love to laugh and i love being a complete weirdo. i have odd obsessions, goofy tendencies, and an insatiable desire to have fun no matter what the circumstance.

>i like to tell things like they are. if you ask me for the truth, i wont sugarcoat it because i think it is deceitful and wrong.

>what i believe is the core of who i am. i do my best to live it, but i slip up just like everyone else does. if you are interested, ask. ill tell you because it is important to me.

i think that gives you enough to remember for today. more to come.

son of a...

from the greatest movie of all time...

oh so naughty

guilty pleasure:
keeping a secret collection of ABBA and Carpenters and listening to their albums when no one else is around. (definition taken from the urban dictionary)

or

something that you shouldn't like, but like anyway. (also from urban dictionary)

so, without further ado, these are the guilty pleasures, most of which i induldge quite frequently:

::cheese
::ice cream
::yogurt
::okay, so almost all dairy related products, exculding milk
::listening to nickleback
::starbucks
::hick chicks by cowboy troy
::the office
::shopping at the gap
::dundermifflininfinity.com
::angry chick music from the 90's
::driving too fast
::instant messaging
::ginger ale
::south park
::buying school supplies

that is all i can think of for the moment.
more to come.

my heart belongs in scranton

i love love love love love love the office.
my favorite character: pam beesley
i love pam because i relate to her very heavily.
she is extremely sensitive, she loves doing nice things for people without being asked, and she has pretty much no life outside of her work at the office.

the rest of my love list:

i love michael because he is tactless
i love jim because he is warm-hearted
i love stanley because he does crossword puzzles
i love meredith because she is a boozer
i love darryl because he is smooth
i love phyllis because she is edgy
i love angela because she is die-hard
i love kevin because he is goofy
i love dwight because he is insane
i love karen because she is simple
i love ryan because he is smart
i love kelly because she is loquacious
i love oscar because he is pretty
i love andy because he is neurotic
i love toby because he is quiet
i love jan because she is high maintenance
i love roy because he is kind
i love creed because he is disturbed

love x billion
:)

I am from...

I am from warm blankets, from Bisquick pancakes and never-ending laughter .

I am from the quiet suburbia, the slightly removed, the place where the train always makes it's presence known as it passes through in the middle of the night. From the fresh air and the cool river water.

I am from the limitless maple trees, and the faithful daffodils that push their head through the soil every spring.

I am from Dick's on Christmas Eve, great story telling, and unsurpassed love, from my mom and from my dad.

I am from the love of working hard and playing hard, and from a giving heart that is always willing to go above and beyond. From social butterflies and honest intentions.

From Fourth of July tales about the ghost of Harold Schwatzer and vital accounts about the God of Abraham and Jacob.

I am from going to church bright and early every Sunday morning . From putting my faith in the One who created me in His image, to do His good work, to live out His plan for my life.

I'm from the beautiful Pacific Northwest, raised by two locals. From close family ties, Chicken Couch and Dutch Babies.

From the hardest working man I will ever know, and the most faithful, caring mother. From the most dedicated, loving, respectable team to ever take on the task of raising three children.

I am from summers at Priest Lake and winters in the mountains, from spontaneous road trips in Eleanor and spur of the moment trips to Didiers.

I am from the place where everyone knows my name.

I am from an unfathomable love, saving grace, and unceasing mercy.

From darkness to light. From the love of a Father who will always catch me when I fall, who will always have His arms wide open, pierced hands ready to lift my burdens and hold me in the comfort of His peace.

(template for this can be found here)

annoyed, to put it lightly

i retract my previous statement about this blog being used for things that were serious and "very important" to me.

i would rather just write whatever is on my mind instead of limiting myself and forcing myself to stay within a certain set of guidelines.

with that said...

i am tired of the statement "well, at least it is snowing in the mountains"
i dont give a crap if it is snowing in the mountains. if i cant touch the snow, then it doesnt make a difference in my life. i want snow around me for Christmas, and that is important to me, so dont try to change my perspective by showing me how the situation benefits your snowboarding hobby.

also: dont tell me how busy you are when you dont work.
when you work, go to school, and have a house to take care of, then you can complain about how you are busy. otherwise, you just are poor at managing your time.

also: dont complain about how you dont have money if you have a job and dont have to pay bills. if you have a paying job but have no financial obligations or responsibilities, then you should have money. if you dont, then you have a spending problem.

also: if all you do is repeatedly screw up your own life, i dont want to hear you complain about it, especially if you are aware of the issue. if you are aware of it, you should fix it and stop making everyone listen to you drown in your sorrows. stop acting like a piece of crap and take care of it.

that is all.